Unconditional Positive Regard

Months ago, someone in one of my writer's groups spoke of aspiring to live a life of unconditional positive regard for others. Does this ideal appeal to you? If you feel like you've been living your life this way, for how long has that been the case? What strategies have you discovered to assist you to stay in that state of grace?

Since first hearing those words strung together, barely a week has gone by when I haven't reflected on how living my life this way would be undeniably healthier. This is especially so whenever I re-hear poisonous thoughts that have crossed my mind when interacting with certain people. I suppose it's fair to say that the phrase unconditional positive regard has begun to help me at least raise my baseline for being triggered by some people. 

But soon after I begin congratulating myself for evolving, something gets said that sets me back. Over the several months I've been working on getting healthier in this domain, I've noticed a common element in my setbacks: Politics and the toxic air infusing modern-day conversations about that subject. When did the demonizing of people with views different from our own take such an ugly turn? Connected to that question is another aimed at myself. Reflect on it with me only if you think it's worth it. In my remaining years, can I evolve enough to give others unconditional positive regard, more than just in passing?

Book Sorcery

Among the resolutions I made before stopping full time work in 2010, getting immediately involved with book clubs was my smartest. Four of the six charter members of my own book club - started in 2017 - are folks I met in earlier clubs sometime between 2010-2015. All four have enriched my life.   

Today's post began taking shape when some book sorcery occurred with one of these folks. She'd read Richard Powers's novel Playground before me and recommended it here in a comment late in 2024. Because I value the opinion of this reading soulmate, it took a place in my unmanageable queue. 

Reflections From The Bell Curve: The Line of Beauty

The post above was published June 8. Soon after, this faithful reader made another comment on my blog saying she planned to read The Line of Beauty soon, mostly based on a comparison I made therein between Alan Hollinghurst and Richard Powers, who both of us have adored since being transformed by The Overstory. Her comment spurred me to move Playground to the top of that nasty queue of mine. Fair is fair, right?

OK, now the book sorcery. I finish Playground early on June 29. My mind is blown. I go to the gym buzzing, trying to fully process what I just experienced. While working out, I resolve to write an e-mail the minute I get home; I've got to talk to her about this book. I get home. An e-mail from who do you suppose is at the top of my in-box? And what book was she writing to me about? The Line of Beauty, naturally. (BTW, she didn't like it as much as I did.) I insist we meet for coffee right away so we can further commune about our shared adoration of Powers and Playground and I can further extol the craft Hollinghurst brought to The Line of Beauty. I know she'll listen carefully and remain open to my evangelism.       

It gets better as the story ends. Over coffee, I mention to her how we each had - very close in time - finished books we'd recommended to the other. Then, we'd written - or were getting to write - e-mails to each other about those different books. And this occurred even though her recommendation to me was several months old; mine, just a few weeks. Crazy coincidence, no? She says - "Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous". How lucky am I to have friends who remind me of Albert Einstein's wisdom? And all because I joined a book club in Bradley Beach ten years ago.

Reflections From The Bell Curve: Help Me Keep This Buzz, Please

Words That Can Haunt Me, Part 20: Loyalty

loyalty: faithfulness to commitments or obligations

Loyalty - as defined above - has always been a bedrock value for me. Unfortunately, because a secondary definition - faithful adherence to a sovereign, a government, cause, or the like - has taken hold in our contentious national conversation, loyalty has now joined a long-running list of words that can haunt me. 

This is disheartening; being unfailingly loyal to friends and loved ones has long been a source of pride for me. But the toxicity recently attached to loyalty has infected me. How to begin reclaiming the word without aligning myself with a concept like taking a loyalty oath? Trying to ensure faithful adherence to a person - vs. being committed to uphold the laws of our land - is a distortion of this sacred value. Keeping commitments and fulfilling obligations are words to live by. A loyalty oath unconnected to the Constitution is antithetical to our democracy.

Ever felt a connection to someone you don't know well based simply on your sense that the person is fiercely loyal? I have. But the variety of loyalty that draws me toward someone has little to do with their faithful adherence to a sovereign, a government, cause, or the like. I'm drawn to those who are loyal to friends and loved ones. In my experience, loyalty is not something easily faked. Chronically disloyal people? Easy to spot; they reveal themselves by deed, oath or not.          

An Ending to a Beginning

When my first grandchild was born one year ago tomorrow, I was home alone. I'd spent the days leading up to that in regular contact with my wife, waiting for news, a flight to L.A. scheduled for October 5. 

Until early today, it hadn't registered with me that last October 2 was probably the first time since 1998 that the anniversary date of my beloved father's passing had slipped by without me continually thinking of him. I'm not even sure if the eeriness of back-to-back milestone dates occurred to me this time last year, given how understandably consumed I was with my daughter's imminent delivery. 

But this October 2 was different than last year. Today, Dad was by my side early. While driving to see some friends, I offhandedly remarked to my wife how sweet it would have been had he lived long enough to celebrate his great-grandson's first birthday tomorrow. Thoughts of him later surfaced during our walk with those friends and again during our lunch. Given my daughter was only eight years old when Dad died at seventy-nine in 1997, I realize any ruminating about him ever having had a chance to meet his great-grandson is pure fantasy. What's the harm? It kept him in my heart all day.  

I'm not superstitious. Nor do I attach any cosmic meaning to the proximity of the two dates. Still, when this post began taking shape in my mind as we arrived home, I decided right then I'd wait to publish it close to midnight - as October 2 turned to October 3 - no matter the time I started or finished writing. What the heck. From an ending to a beginning - twenty-seven years and one day.  

A Tenacious Perplexing Habit

Is there a meaningful distinction between useful "down" time and time wasted? Do you know anyone who appears to waste little time? If so, how does that person re-charge, i.e., what do they do during their useful "down" time? Which thing in your life that you consider a waste of time would you most like to jettison?

The goon squad called time is rarely far from the top of my consciousness. Probably starts with my introspective temperament, then moves quickly to my lifelong goal orientation, picking up speed with each newly learned larger-than-life story about someone, somewhere, sometime. You all know these stories even if you've never met one of these people. They waste little time, sleep far less than you or me, produce a staggering output. What do they do when they need to re-charge? What is the cost attached to living a life that wastes little time? Would you be willing to pay it? I would.

Today's reflection was birthed when a reader recently disinterred the post directly below, published on this date in 2011, my first year of blogging. The good news: I laughed while reading it because I made myself the butt of my own joke. The bad news: The perplexing habit referred to therein - a clear waste of time - is still with me fourteen years later. 

Reflections From The Bell Curve: A Perplexing Habit   

An Irreplaceable Gift

Foremost of the gifts my parents gave me was a stable childhood. Before becoming a parent myself, I vowed to give that same gift to any child of mine. 

Watching my daughter with my grandson over this first year of his life has persuaded me that her mother and I succeeded in passing along that gift to her. She - and my son-in-law - are unfailingly attentive to this little man. As such, they are providing him with an imprint he will carry his entire life. I know this to be true because that imprint remains with me from my earliest years. Nothing can take the place of stability early in any child's life. Every child needs to know they can depend, without exception, on their parents. 

Being with my grandson fills me with immeasurable joy, a joy sometimes interrupted with thoughts of the countless infants and toddlers worldwide who are living unstable lives. Modern day medicine has taught us that the living legacy of trauma - whatever its source - is difficult to surmount. When that trauma reaches back to early childhood, that difficulty can sometimes be intractable.   

Given that, how can any of us who were held continually, read to constantly, cared for unreservedly - as I was, my daughter was, my grandson is - ever be too grateful for such an irreplaceable gift? 

Public Service Announcement: 2025

Which public service announcement affected you enough that you almost immediately changed a behavior?  

Years before becoming a vegetarian, I stopped eating veal almost immediately after spotting a PSA that described the brutally short lives of these defenseless animals. Forty-five years later, the photograph accompanying that PSA remains as clear to me as any I have ever seen. Don't recall who sponsored it nor do I remember where I first saw it. But that PSA was - for me - a life-altering experience. 

Over my seventy-five + years, PSA's have helped to shift public behavior in several key areas. They've helped reduce litter, alerted people to the dangers of nicotine and the risks associated with drinking during pregnancy, promoted recycling. Asked to identify a contemporary issue in need of a PSA in 2025, what would be your top priority? Do I have anything in mind? What do you think? But I'd rather hear your idea first.    

 

Swing Time

Smart authors like Zadie Smith frequently exhilarate and demoralize me. Depending on the kind of day I'm having, I can toggle from one to the other during a single sitting with one of her books.  

"At eighteen she was already expert at the older woman's art of fermenting rage, conserving it for later use."  

Swing Time (2016) demands and deserves a reader's full attention. The surface story of two childhood friends who drift apart growing into adulthood is straightforward. But in Smith's masterful hands, a simple premise becomes a novel of ideas. Her sharp insights, startling intelligence, muscular prose, and undeniable gift for storytelling are some of the elements that will entrance you from the first page.

"Maybe luxury is the easiest matrix to pass through. Maybe nothing is easier to get used to than money."

Having now read three of her novels, I'm confident saying Zadie Smith is one of the smartest authors I've ever read. If time were an unlimited resource, I would re-read her books several times because I'm certain doing so would bring me closer to understanding everything she is offering. But time isn't unlimited, hence the demoralizing aspect spoken of above; I long to be smart enough to get all of her ideas the first time through. On the other hand, that exhilaration I feel just as often when reading her? Man, what a gas that is. 

"...and the thin stream of their objections was completely subsumed by the quick-running currents of my mother's talk."

Reflections From The Bell Curve: On Beauty And Synaptic Sparks