Recently, I listened as a friend recounted a jarring adolescent experience. After my friend finished, another listener reacted to the story with a comment that struck me as flippant, even mildly dismissive. My friend didn't outwardly appear to be put out by the comment, but the scene has re-played in my head ever since.
I think it was Stephen Covey (author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People) who I first heard say that listening deeply to others is like giving them oxygen. When I hear someone sharing a story about their pain, a trauma, or even adolescent discomfort, my initial instinct is to lean in. More than a few times, I've heard others ask, "What good does it do another person if I sympathize with them?" Of course, the answer is it does no good at all. The past is past; pain cannot be undone.But that question ("What good...?) always strikes me as beside the point. A better question might be "How can it hurt me as a listener to let someone tell their story?" Good listening often requires little response; it costs nothing to be silent. And silence after someone has told their story is preferable to drawing glib conclusions, making judgments, problem solving.
What kind of listener are you? I have an old friend who I've heard tell stories of mistreatment he endured as a young boy in school. Each time he tells it, the pain of the memory is apparent. I hope I've been a good friend by giving him the oxygen he needs.
Pat--I agree with you about listening. i wish I was better at it. But it is always a sacred privilege to be trusted with someone's painful story. It makes me think of Emily Dickinson's letter to her mentor which begins "I felt it shelter to speak to you."
ReplyDeleteRegina; Thanks for the comment. In my experience with you, I'd call you a good listener. And thanks for the steady education you've been giving me in the work of our great poets - via Suffering School and otherwise- since I first met you over four years ago. I appreciate that.
DeleteHow would you rate “reflective listening” and what are the benefits vs silence?
ReplyDeleteAnonymous; I think of reflective listening and silence as two useful tools in a good listener's repertoire, each to be used as the situation requires. In my experience, reflective listening (also called mirroring) can sometimes backfire, especially if a listener sounds too "scripted" in their reflective responses. The scourge of AI has worsened this because AI tools are "taught" to respond "empathically" (e.g., "That sounds really difficult" or "You must be so frustrated", etc.) which renders those responses meaningless. For this extrovert - i.e., someone who likes to hear himself talk - I try to stay in the moment, lean in so that the person I'm listening to knows I'm fully present, and err on the side of silence. And when reflecting back something I think I've heard, I do my best to make sure my mirroring is sincere AND accurate, i.e., I try hard to actually put myself in that person's shoes and also check to see if I've gotten it right. Never easy but always worth the effort. Thanks for the sincere question.
DeleteHey Pat. I think of myself as a decent listener. Not great , but that also would depend on what I'm listening to. However, I also tend to be someone who listens when I should turn away. When people talk about things that I disagree with (fill in the obvious subjects here) I try to find ways to either change the subject or, whenever possible walk away. Or, at the very least tune them out. It’s so much easier to do if I am alone. That's not always the case though. Thankfully these times are in the minority.
ReplyDeleteBe well,
Bob
Bob; Good listening is a skill that all of us need to work on for our whole lives. Good for you for being honest about your own lapses. The fact that you know that happens is an indication that you know there is still work to be done.
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