The Gift Of True Intimacy

Many years ago, in a book from a series entitled Innovations in Clinical Practice: A Source Book, I was exposed to a model that helped me immeasurably to better understand communication patterns I'd noticed interacting with people close to me. The model - which can be found on pp. 377-78 of volume one - uses seven concentric circles. The outermost circle - called ritual communication i.e. the everyday platitudes we routinely exchange with others - moves toward the innermost, called true intimacy i.e. where two people withhold nothing from each other. In between the two are small talk, planned activities, shared bits and pieces, shared feelings, shared hopes and dreams. 

The model is an elegant, fluid representation of how each of us make many choices every day about what we will communicate and how vulnerable we will be with others. In healthy relationships, as trust grows, we move closer to the innermost circle. And then sometimes, we back up. Over the years, I've grown more mindful about which circle I'm in while interacting and also more purposeful about choosing my direction. When someone appears to be getting me, I'm more inclined to step in. I know this model has helped me pay closer attention when I sense someone wants to move in a circle with me. It's not hard; the words people use reveal a great deal.

I'm grateful a recent chance look at this model reminded me what a gift it is to be in that innermost circle with anyone for any length of time.