Need for approval? Moral cowardice? Lack of confidence?
No matter what puny excuse I make, continuing to avoid expressing my disgust on this blog about the racial injustice plaguing my country is guaranteed to make me more soul sick than I already am. I've begun and then abandoned dozens of posts over the last nine years+ about this subject, just as I've avoided confronting the casual racism that routinely poisons my personal life. What is wrong with me?
I'm angry, ashamed, and discouraged in equal measure. Angry at the phony narrative fed to me by my parents, my teachers, my white friends. Ashamed that I've reflexively accepted that narrative and more ashamed when I avoid those needed confrontations. Discouragement, itself a by-product of the anger and shame, immobilizes me - I start and abandon blog posts; I give up too easily trying to enlist white allies; I get paralyzed because the videos are just too hideous.
Meanwhile, me and mine are safe, untouched by this cancer. It's not enough anymore to say I've tried to live a life of tolerance.
"Ignorance is no protection from the consequences of inaction. Whatever you are wishing away will gnaw at you until you gather the courage to face what you would rather not see." - Isabel Wilkerson