At almost seventy-six years old, it's safe to say my temperamental inclination to judge is not ever going to disappear completely. Which of your less noble traits can sometimes feel equally intractable?
Even with fitful progress, chipping away at this flaw has often felt like a part-time job. I fully recognize I'm the one most damaged by judging. But that insight often eludes me in the moment, especially when I'm triggered. For the last several years, whenever my instinctive judgaholic has temporarily taken over, I've been saying "Begin, again" to myself. I started doing this because I know the importance of self-forgiveness. It works, sometimes.
It took an observation my wife recently made about my guitar playing to persuade me this lifelong battle remains one worth fighting. When she pointed out how my judging of my playing seemed to interfere with the joy I get from it, her words landed hard. The relationship between judging and joy is not one I recall previously considering. If you share this flaw of mine, have you considered this?
Begin, again.
First of all--I have misjudged you, Pat! I thought you were in your 60's.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes to the over-judging. I do it and it's never helpful.
I think you're right--joy is the answer to that inner critic.
Regina; Thanks for the comment and affirmation of the substance of my post. Bigger thanks for the visit in the time machine to my seventh decade; if only!
DeleteI’ve always been hypercritical of, as well as self conscious about, my own guitar playing. It does get in the way of enjoying it. Lately, I’ve been trying harder to embrace mistakes as being part of the fun. I tell myself that while I notice them, a casual listener would not. Sometimes that works, but usually it doesn’t.
ReplyDeleteJim; Thanks for the comment. For me, this issue goes far beyond my playing, although that's what I chose to focus on here. The judging part of me has also created tension when it's been directed at other people in my life. I'm hoping to get back a little bit of the joy with some of those folks by continuing to make progress on that ignoble trait of mine. Fingers crossed.
DeleteThere's nothing that would make me happier than to see you finally able to relax and enjoy your playing. You have put so many hours, days, and years into developing this talent...with love, I am suggesting that it's time to relax a bit and reap the rewards of all that hard work.
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetheart. I'm going to try gamely to follow your wise coaching.
DeleteInteresting post. I don’t really have an issue with self judgement. I prefer to call it self examination. At our age most of our friends and acquaintances are not going to say….”you are really an awful writer, musician, dancer, singer etc.”. They are respectful in their comments as we would be to them. So, self examination/judgement is not a really bad idea if it brings personal insight. Enjoy what you do. If you love writing music and performing, go for it. You are not trying to get a record contract. Just making yourself and your friends happy.
ReplyDeleteCookie; Though I used my guitar playing and self-judgment as the main focus here, I struggle just as mightily in my judgment of others. What I'm aiming for these days is less self-judgment in the hope that it will spill over to that other domain. Thanks for your comment.
DeleteI realize that I judge, myself and others very frequently. The only antidote is to take a step back and ask "who is it that is judging?" The answer is that it's not "you", it's the ego. We all have an ego and they're tricky things. But who we "are" at root is not the ego. So it is possible to stand back and observe the ego doing its thing. This level of consciousness is something we all need to be aware of in order to achieve inner peace. Does this mean giving up the ability to criticize, evaluate, or discriminate? Of course not. But it does mean that the eternal essence of each of us, the "I AM", always takes precedence over the ingrained tendency to treat my judgements as something that is "me". See Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth. Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". A very, very deep dive into the past and current state of the ego and the individual. Steve
ReplyDeleteSteve; Nice to see a comment from you, especially given how insightful your comments often are. This was no exception. Yet, much as I would like to let myself off the hook by claiming it's my ego doing the judging, I worry about the risk of that becoming a rationalization for some of my bad behavior. On the other hand, thanks to your pertinent comment, I think returning to Tolle's work - if for no other reason than learning to forgive myself more - will be in my near future.
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