What would you guess is your ratio for the number of friends you've let slip away vs. the number who have let you slip away? How much has that ratio shifted, if at all, over your adult life?
For a number of reasons, I've been reflecting on friendship quite a bit lately. After reading an article on friendship in yesterday's NY Times, my reflections got a little darker. I decided to wait to blog about this subject until I had a little more distance. Late today I settled on asking myself the questions above.
I estimate my overall ratio stands at about 2:3. Early in adulthood, I'd put it at 3:1 or so and then during my 30's & 40's it was probably fairly stable (1:1). I attribute most of that stability to my wife, who is better than I at maintaining contact. Over the last 12-15 years, the shift moved the other way; 1:2 is my guess. And in the recent past it seems like I'm being let go quite a bit more than I'm letting go. A few of the people who've let me slip away recently were important enough to me that their loss feels disproportionate - it's possible my overall estimate is off. Or, it could be my karma given the inattention I gave others in those 3:1 years.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
My Dirty Little Food Secret
Jalapeno or Russian Raisin bagel anyone? Some flavored coffee to go with it? How about a white pizza with eggplant?
Any of the above are good with me; I'm no purist when it comes to bagels, coffee, or pizza or many other foods. But I do firmly believe everyone has at least one food we don't want adulterated in any way from it's original, pure iteration.
Now we all know people who are purists or have lots rules about foods. I have one friend who won't eat a cheeseburger unless it's American cheese, another who has had pizza for dinner every Friday for the past 40 years. Others are picky beyond reason; some eat the same thing day-in, day-out; some eschew any ethnic foods, except Italian. But even the most catholic eaters have a dirty little secret - one food they will not tolerate if tampered with. What is yours? Come on, own up. What, you're waiting for my confession?
Ok, that's fair. Don't mess with my pancakes - I don't want fruit in them, chocolate on them, hell I don't even want syrup. Happy now?
Any of the above are good with me; I'm no purist when it comes to bagels, coffee, or pizza or many other foods. But I do firmly believe everyone has at least one food we don't want adulterated in any way from it's original, pure iteration.
Now we all know people who are purists or have lots rules about foods. I have one friend who won't eat a cheeseburger unless it's American cheese, another who has had pizza for dinner every Friday for the past 40 years. Others are picky beyond reason; some eat the same thing day-in, day-out; some eschew any ethnic foods, except Italian. But even the most catholic eaters have a dirty little secret - one food they will not tolerate if tampered with. What is yours? Come on, own up. What, you're waiting for my confession?
Ok, that's fair. Don't mess with my pancakes - I don't want fruit in them, chocolate on them, hell I don't even want syrup. Happy now?
Paying Attention
I've got a challenge for you. Try to top the number of diversions I observed in just the car I was in the last time I was on the NYC subway. You'll need eight (8) totally unique activities to meet this challenge. In my car at least one person was:
* Doing nothing I could discern aside from being awake sitting or standing
* Sleeping
* Texting on a cellphone
* Working on a crossword puzzle
* Reading
* Having a live conversation (i.e. not on a cellphone)
* Listening to something via ear pods
Among the many useful by-products I've uncovered related to blogging is how much more I'm paying attention. As I looked around that subway car, I jotted down in my blog log the seven diversionary activities I observed. How do you ensure you're paying attention? What price might you be paying when you're not?
* Doing nothing I could discern aside from being awake sitting or standing
* Sleeping
* Texting on a cellphone
* Working on a crossword puzzle
* Reading
* Having a live conversation (i.e. not on a cellphone)
* Listening to something via ear pods
Among the many useful by-products I've uncovered related to blogging is how much more I'm paying attention. As I looked around that subway car, I jotted down in my blog log the seven diversionary activities I observed. How do you ensure you're paying attention? What price might you be paying when you're not?
Friday, January 27, 2012
Another Gift To Acknowledge
http://reflectionsfromthebellcurve.blogspot.com/2011/12/gift-of-music.html
Although my December 8 post (above) got just one online comment, as has been the case many times, the offline comments & conversations have been rich. Recently a good friend dug so deep for answers to the questions I asked in that particular post that I began reflecting on other important gifts I've received.
I can't imagine my life without books. If you've read even a few of my posts since last March you know that. Who was the first person in your life whose love of books was a gift to you? Unquestionably for me it was my older sister. I clearly recall how she would devour book after book when we were young. I didn't get the bug as early as she did; music got me first. But when I started college, I remembered her example and wasn't at all surprised when my freshman English professor (Mr. Larsen, Kean College, 1967) described his rapture when he was in a library touching the books. Some of my fellow students probably thought he was deranged; I was inspired - I had my sister in my head. Gift giver #2: Thanks, Mr. Larsen.
Who else gave you this gift? I'll never forget the first apartment I walked into (I'm now a young adult) where several full bookshelves were about the only furniture. As I browsed, many author names were unfamiliar to me. I asked my friend (happened to be the other guitar player in my band at the time) how many he'd read. When he said "...almost all of them...", I was intimidated a little but energized more. I asked him for a list of titles and authors he'd recommend. I remember many I subsequently finished including Peter Matthiessen's "At Play In The Fields of the Lord" which remains a favorite almost 40 years later. Thanks, Kenny.
I've got others who have since given me this gift but I want to hear your stories. Online, offline, e-mail, snail mail, phone calls, smoke signals, Pony Express, doesn't matter. Can you imagine your life without books?
Although my December 8 post (above) got just one online comment, as has been the case many times, the offline comments & conversations have been rich. Recently a good friend dug so deep for answers to the questions I asked in that particular post that I began reflecting on other important gifts I've received.
I can't imagine my life without books. If you've read even a few of my posts since last March you know that. Who was the first person in your life whose love of books was a gift to you? Unquestionably for me it was my older sister. I clearly recall how she would devour book after book when we were young. I didn't get the bug as early as she did; music got me first. But when I started college, I remembered her example and wasn't at all surprised when my freshman English professor (Mr. Larsen, Kean College, 1967) described his rapture when he was in a library touching the books. Some of my fellow students probably thought he was deranged; I was inspired - I had my sister in my head. Gift giver #2: Thanks, Mr. Larsen.
Who else gave you this gift? I'll never forget the first apartment I walked into (I'm now a young adult) where several full bookshelves were about the only furniture. As I browsed, many author names were unfamiliar to me. I asked my friend (happened to be the other guitar player in my band at the time) how many he'd read. When he said "...almost all of them...", I was intimidated a little but energized more. I asked him for a list of titles and authors he'd recommend. I remember many I subsequently finished including Peter Matthiessen's "At Play In The Fields of the Lord" which remains a favorite almost 40 years later. Thanks, Kenny.
I've got others who have since given me this gift but I want to hear your stories. Online, offline, e-mail, snail mail, phone calls, smoke signals, Pony Express, doesn't matter. Can you imagine your life without books?
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Finally! A Payoff
After all my years of movie watching, I finally got a payoff that heretofore will justify my past (or future) lack of discrimination. No longer do I need bemoan how much time I waste/have wasted watching films.
My actress daughter has asked me to help her "catch up" on actress performances of note by recommending films I think are worth her time. Aside from being pleased she values the opinion of her old fart/non acting father, this project means I can put to good use some of the notes I've made over the years about favorite movies. And the project also allows me to guiltlessly revel in the past; my daughter has already seen many of the great contemporary film performances by actresses.
The first two films I recommended to her were Michael Tolkin's singular vision "The Rapture" (1991) starring Mimi Rogers and Woody Allen's little seen "Another Woman" (1988) starring Gena Rowlands. If you've not seen them, you missed two towering performances. But the reason I'm blogging about this project is because maybe you've seen an actress performance this film geek missed. I'll need lots of titles; the project has no expiration date. Yippee!!
My actress daughter has asked me to help her "catch up" on actress performances of note by recommending films I think are worth her time. Aside from being pleased she values the opinion of her old fart/non acting father, this project means I can put to good use some of the notes I've made over the years about favorite movies. And the project also allows me to guiltlessly revel in the past; my daughter has already seen many of the great contemporary film performances by actresses.
The first two films I recommended to her were Michael Tolkin's singular vision "The Rapture" (1991) starring Mimi Rogers and Woody Allen's little seen "Another Woman" (1988) starring Gena Rowlands. If you've not seen them, you missed two towering performances. But the reason I'm blogging about this project is because maybe you've seen an actress performance this film geek missed. I'll need lots of titles; the project has no expiration date. Yippee!!
Monday, January 23, 2012
First Impressions: Books & Their People
How quickly do you form your first impression of a book? If that first impression is not favorable, how much time do you allow before giving up for good?
I'm a bit embarrassed to say I tend to give books that haven't impressed me initially more benefit of the doubt than I sometimes do people. Perhaps I trust my instincts about people more than I do my instincts about books. It's also possible I stick with some books that don't start strong because I've been sucker-punched by books that have great first sentences, paragraphs, or pages but subsequently fall short of that initial promise.
At present, for me, there's also the "apple polisher" syndrome. That is, I'm giving books assigned by my favorite book club moderator a lot of latitude. I hang in there with those even when my third or fourth impression is still not great. Mostly, I've been pleased I persisted because when I later hear the discussion, my appreciation for what I read deepens even if the book in question won't ever be on my list of favorites. But because I trust this moderator's discernment, I'm tenacious. The moderator also made a favorable first impression on me. Maybe that's no coincidence?
I'm a bit embarrassed to say I tend to give books that haven't impressed me initially more benefit of the doubt than I sometimes do people. Perhaps I trust my instincts about people more than I do my instincts about books. It's also possible I stick with some books that don't start strong because I've been sucker-punched by books that have great first sentences, paragraphs, or pages but subsequently fall short of that initial promise.
At present, for me, there's also the "apple polisher" syndrome. That is, I'm giving books assigned by my favorite book club moderator a lot of latitude. I hang in there with those even when my third or fourth impression is still not great. Mostly, I've been pleased I persisted because when I later hear the discussion, my appreciation for what I read deepens even if the book in question won't ever be on my list of favorites. But because I trust this moderator's discernment, I'm tenacious. The moderator also made a favorable first impression on me. Maybe that's no coincidence?
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Too Much Vs. Not Enough
"What's become clearer to you since we last met?"
A few months ago I asked an old friend I hadn't seen in a while this question, one I'd read Emerson would ask people frequently. My friend said something like "I'm surrounded by too much 'stuff ' and not enough interaction with others". Though not his exact words, it's a fair representation; anyway, the gist of what he said landed with me. Ever since, I've been reflecting on this "too much vs. not enough" model.
What do you have too much of in your life vs. not enough? I share my friend's view, but more than that I feel like I have too much information about people who mean nothing to me, especially celebrities, and not enough live music in my life. Though one of my long standing goals has been to steadily wean myself from the celebrity diet, I've only been marginally successful. Any ideas you have to help me with this are welcome.
But the gift my friend gave to me in our conversation was helping me identify the "not enough" piece. Ever since that day, I've been searching out ways to get live music back into my life. And on that end, I'm succeeding in a big way. So even if you can't think of something you have "too much" of, spend a moment today thinking about the "not enough" part. I bet bringing whatever it is into your life will give you some joy.
A few months ago I asked an old friend I hadn't seen in a while this question, one I'd read Emerson would ask people frequently. My friend said something like "I'm surrounded by too much 'stuff ' and not enough interaction with others". Though not his exact words, it's a fair representation; anyway, the gist of what he said landed with me. Ever since, I've been reflecting on this "too much vs. not enough" model.
What do you have too much of in your life vs. not enough? I share my friend's view, but more than that I feel like I have too much information about people who mean nothing to me, especially celebrities, and not enough live music in my life. Though one of my long standing goals has been to steadily wean myself from the celebrity diet, I've only been marginally successful. Any ideas you have to help me with this are welcome.
But the gift my friend gave to me in our conversation was helping me identify the "not enough" piece. Ever since that day, I've been searching out ways to get live music back into my life. And on that end, I'm succeeding in a big way. So even if you can't think of something you have "too much" of, spend a moment today thinking about the "not enough" part. I bet bringing whatever it is into your life will give you some joy.
Friday, January 20, 2012
My Second Chicken & Egg Question
Is a vivid imagination a by-product of innate curiosity? Or, does an insatiable curiosity flow from inhabiting the world of imagination from the start?
Since finishing "Enchantress of Florence" by Salman Rushdie a few weeks ago, I've had trouble escaping this chicken and egg question. It's not the first time an author's imagination has dazzled me but this time I also found myself wondering what Rushdie might have been like as a young child. Did he ask a lot of questions? Constantly explore his surroundings? Pick up lots of objects and try to figure out how they work? Then I tried to remember myself at a young age with respect to these markers of curiosity. Do you recollect how curious you were?
Did you have many imaginary friends? Did you invent games to play with them? Did you build lots of "make believe" worlds? Your answers might easily be "yes" to these indicators of imagination as well as for the ones about curiosity above. Or, maybe one set of questions resonates more than the other for you. But what's your recollection of which came first? That's the chicken and egg part.
Since finishing "Enchantress of Florence" by Salman Rushdie a few weeks ago, I've had trouble escaping this chicken and egg question. It's not the first time an author's imagination has dazzled me but this time I also found myself wondering what Rushdie might have been like as a young child. Did he ask a lot of questions? Constantly explore his surroundings? Pick up lots of objects and try to figure out how they work? Then I tried to remember myself at a young age with respect to these markers of curiosity. Do you recollect how curious you were?
Did you have many imaginary friends? Did you invent games to play with them? Did you build lots of "make believe" worlds? Your answers might easily be "yes" to these indicators of imagination as well as for the ones about curiosity above. Or, maybe one set of questions resonates more than the other for you. But what's your recollection of which came first? That's the chicken and egg part.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)