Which flaw would you say you've worked hardest over your life to overcome or at least to mitigate?
My tendency to judge others has been a lifelong struggle. It often feels like each step forward is followed by a step back not long after. Though I realize my struggle is not unique, knowing I'm not alone has rarely given me much solace.
Under different conditions, my judging self would likely have been triggered by an individual with whom I recently spent several hours. But given my professional role, the rawness of this person's emotional state, and the naked vulnerability on display, I heard myself repeating several times - I'm not going to judge you - my volume increasing each time. And all the while I wondered: Am I telling the truth?
Later that day, while de-briefing this intense experience, my facilitating partner re-assured me that in those moments he believed I was telling the truth. My partner also suggested that the repetition of those words had helped ease a tortured person's pain. Though I was relieved to hear those things, a more significant learning began to emerge as my processing deepened. Saying those words had helped me make them true in this situation. How then can I use it next time? What if I maintained the same posture - maybe even said those words to myself - when I feel myself reflexively judging someone who triggers me? Is it possible to shift the dynamic with people that trigger me by more clearly demonstrating I'm not judging them?
Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your willingness to self-reflect. It appears that the repetition of those words really did make a difference -for you! I was self-reflecting this morning about being jealous of another person. My analytical, rational self kept telling me that it made no sense. Then I tried to figure out why I was jealous and that went nowhere. Finally I just acknowledged the feeling and left it at that -at least for the time being. Your questions about judging have given me another avenue to pursue. The why isn't as important as my judgement of myself and how I might approach this by asking different questions. A work in progress....
ReplyDeleteInes; Thanks for your honesty and the vulnerable comment. Bigger thanks for letting me know my questions gave you "..another avenue to pursue." A work in progress, indeed.
DeleteA very provocative commentary on our social and relationship building skills. Indeed self reflection about our initial responses and the nature of what was both said and thought, may come back to “haunt” us when we start to think was the right path taken? And it conjures up a sense of anxiety when we especially fall within the thinking framework-“was I judgmental?”
ReplyDeleteIt’s convenient to rethink it by looking at our past interactions with the person ( historical analysis), combined with the actual circumstances of the interaction ( a friendly banter about our favorite topics; a bitter dispute politically; a family topic issue and so on), with a dose of what was our mental state at the time ( I was having a rough day; things were going well all day) and finally the post , hindsight processing of what actually happened- it gets pretty complex.
If anything it is the person who re-evaluates such interactions that makes the person for the better coupled with the hope that the relationship will strengthen.
Anonymous; Thanks for your well-considered and comprehensive comment.
DeleteThis is Kim...it won't let me comment under my name for some reason. One of the things I most appreciate about you is your willingness to self-evaluate and to change. This event, which you recounted to me in detail, seems to be a door that I'm sure you will walk through into a new way of dealing with difficult situations and people.
ReplyDeleteMy "Anonymous" sweetheart; Thanks for the comment. I hope you are right about me "...walking through that door...". Nice metaphor.
DeleteHello, Pat. As a quick aside, I am somewhat relieved that Kim is experiencing the 'anonymous' issue that plagued me a few months ago. Not that she's having the problem, but more that I can now say it wasn't anything that I did - lol. As for your post ... I would say that, at times, and something I am trying to be more aware of as I do it, I can be somewhat cynical. I find myself questioning the why's, how's, etc., of certain situations. Maybe sometimes disbelief will rear its ugly head. But, taking the time to (try to) understand the particular issue has started to allow me to see this and be more mindful. At least the 'trying' is there.
ReplyDeleteBe well,
Bob
Hey Bob; I'll be sure to tell Kim of your "relief". I also succumb to knee-jerk cynicism from time-to-time though that's not nearly as much of an issue for me vs. my judging. Thanks for your honest comment.
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