Released Into the Public Domain

You'd think that having a daughter in the film industry - one who has partnered BTW in writing and directing some funny stuff - would mean brilliant comic ideas like mine might find a home. For over ten years I've been telling my beloved only child that the confusion 21st century public restrooms present for those of us born in the preceding century has potential for a puerile comedy routine. Alas, my brilliance has gone unheeded. I've decided releasing my foolproof idea into the public domain is my best hope for posterity - however pathetic - though doing so could significantly reduce my daughter's inheritance. You've been warned, sweetheart.

Let's start at the entrance to a public restroom. Automatic door? If no, does touching the doorknob compel the germophobes among us to wash their hands before taking care of business? If yes - germophobe or not - is the soap dispenser hands-free? Do you flail for the water you need to be released from a hands-free sink or is it necessary to manually manipulate a quaint faucet? Is there a towel dispenser in addition to or in lieu of that deafening automatic dryer? Does the dispenser require the same hand flailing as the soap dispenser or the sink or is that manual as well?  

Onto the stall. How far into the 21st century will we journey before those doors are automatic? Will they lock by themselves? Toilet paper - manual or automated? How long does one politely wait while listening to an endless cell phone conversation before asking when the stall might be available? To whom do I submit a complaint about having to endure advertisements - scrolling or otherwise - while on the throne? Less delicately, both genders: How many times has the automatic flush mechanism done its business before you've finished yours due to a slight lift of your derriere? Men only: How easy is it to forget to flush the urinal, given how many are automatic? 

Out of the stall. Refer back to paragraph #2, starting at the third question, assuming you practice reasonable restroom hygiene. Are you in favor - as I am - of a statutory requirement that everything should be either automated or manual? I've lost count how many times I've flailed at sinks or hand towel dispensers before realizing one or the other required the use of my opposable thumbs. And then back to leaving the restroom. Automatic door or doorknob? Is another soap dispenser and sink and hand drying routine needed in the hall? Which one of the three are automated vs. lo-tech? How much can any reasonable person stand, especially those born before the new millennium began?