Try an experiment with me. Over your next several conversations, keep a running tally of words or phrases you or others use to stand in for the word "but".
In my experience, people who think about their own thinking are inclined to qualify their opinions and observations frequently via using words or phrases that demonstrate they view the world in shades of grey. Listen for words like still, however, although. Phrases like on the other hand or to be fair or that said each add nuance to what a person says. I'm not advocating here for being wishy-washy or milquetoast when expressing a view, especially when it's something you are passionate about.
But I am suggesting that stating an opinion in black or white terms limits meaningful dialogue and reveals a more closed-off worldview. If you doubt this, try listening to one of the noisier talking heads on either side of the political aisle. Then try a final experiment and tell me what you observe. How many times does that talking head - or any closed-off person you know - use the phrase "It's possible that ..."? Starting a thought that way - thank you Ben Franklin - has become the most useful phrase I've added to my conversational repertoire over the last decade. Try it out and tell me what you think.
Pat…I have to admit a chuckle at the first word of your last paragraph. Did you do that on purpose? I love this entry. I’ve been reading, “How to Talk About Race and Other Hard Things” by Nancy Dome. How we present ourselves through words matters immensely in our current time, as it must have in Ben Franklin’s time as well. Thank you for your suggestion of how to demonstrate openness to the opinions of others. d.
ReplyDeleted., aka "anonymous"; Thanks so much for re-joining the bell curve. I've missed your contributions. And yes, I did use that "but" starting the last paragraph purposefully & strategically; thanks for your sharp eye noticing it. BTW, that Nancy Dome book is on my (perpetually unmanageable) "to read" list. Heard good things about it. Hope to "see" you again here.
DeleteIt's possible that I thought "milquetoast" was spelled "milk toast" before learning from your blog post!
ReplyDeleteAlison; Very clever use of "it's possible that ..." in your comment. And glad I can be of use vis-a-vis your spelling skills.
DeleteHello, again, Pat. Have to start by saying that I love that you used 'milquetoast' (not often that one sees that word) and definitely loved Alison's comment on its use.
ReplyDeleteAs for me, while I am sure I substitute many words for others, the biggest thing that I notice is my use of disclaimers before stating a point. Maybe it's a fear/concern of not wanting to hurt anyones feelings or, more so these days, start a confrontation. Something that is very liable to take place in the current political atmosphere.
Be well,
Bob
Bob; Your frequent use of "disclaimers" - no matter the motivation - is, in my experience, a common conversational device, especially when a person is kind, like you. And you are right about how these disclaimers can sometimes help us avoid confrontation, especially in these fraught times of political tension. My larger point in this post is about the role a qualifying word or phrase can play in ANY conversation to indicate to others the grey nature of the world. There is a subtle distinction between a qualifier and what you term a disclaimer, if I'm understanding you. But that's for a longer conversation another time.
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