Learning From James & Mary?

I suspect I could learn something about tolerance & compromise if I could somehow listen in on the private conversations of James Carville & Mary Matalin. How do these smart people from opposite sides of the political spectrum keep their relationship from fracturing? How many people do you know who prove, rather than disprove, the old adage "opposites attract"?

Though I claim to be open-minded, I'm not sure that applies when it comes to my choice of life partner and that person's politics. How about you & your partner? Although my wife and I are different (if not "opposite") in several ways, we are closely aligned in our politics. I once heard that old adage amended to "opposites attract if values are aligned". That's more consistent with my experience. Yours?

Still, James & Mary seem to make it work. What do they do that I haven't learned to do? Or, is it just show business? I won't allow myself to be so cynical. Instead, maybe one or more of you can offer me some additional insight. If not, I'll add "opposites attract" to the heap of adages belonging in the trash, James & Mary notwithstanding.

Lost In Lethem Land

David Foster Wallace, John Updike, and now Christopher Hitchens are gone. So I'm thrilled to have recently discovered "The Ecstasy of Influence", a book of non-fiction by Jonathan Lethem. Given how thoroughly I enjoyed the essays of those three giants no longer writing, I'm looking forward to getting lost in Lethem land a lot in the future.

The essays in "Ecstasy..." cover a dizzying array of topics and range in length from half a page to 40 pages - that one happens to be about James Brown. Like all the talented writers I admire, Lethem is persuasive as a reading evangelist.  I have yet to read a book of essays and not come away with at least a few new authors to add to my list. Updike led me to Anne Tyler; Wallace persuaded me to return to Kafka; Hitchens convinced me to sample the work of his friends Martin Amis & Salman Rushdie. Lethem's suggestions? Among others, he reminded me I'd forgotten to look up Italo Calvino, an author highly esteemed by another terrific essayist - the always provocative Gore Vidal.

I hope someone will pick up Lethem's book and tell me what you think; he's a writer that begs to be discussed. Even when I was a little out of my depth, I felt smarter just reading him. If you don't have much  time, just read a few of his essays recalling 9/11. A little more time? Try the title essay and "Postmodernism As Liberty Valance". I'm guessing you'll get lost in Lethem land a little bit too.

Giving Oxygen

Recently, I listened as a friend recounted a jarring adolescent experience. After my friend finished, another listener reacted to the story with a comment that struck me as flippant, even mildly dismissive. My friend didn't outwardly appear to be put out by the comment but the scene has re-played in my head ever since.

I think it was Stephen Covey (author of "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People") who I first heard say that listening deeply to others is like giving them oxygen. When I sense someone is sharing a story about their pain, a trauma, or even adolescent discomfort, my initial instinct is to lean in. More than a few times, I've heard others ask "What good does it do another person if I sympathize with them?" Of course, the answer is it does no good at all. The past is past; pain cannot be undone.  

But that question ("What good...?) always strikes me as beside the point. A better question might be "How can it hurt me as a listener to let someone tell their story?" Good listening often requires little response; it costs nothing to be silent. And silence after someone has told their story is preferable to drawing glib conclusions, making judgments, problem solving.

What kind of listener are you? I have an old friend who I've heard tell stories of mis-treatment he endured as a young boy in school. Each time he tells it, the pain of the memory is apparent. I hope I've been a good friend by giving him the oxygen he needs.

Dinner With The Minor League

I'm guessing at least a few of you have played that parlor game naming people from history you'd invite to an imaginary dinner party. It's a harmless way to have fun or get a conversation going.

But who would make your dinner party from the AAA farm team? I'm referring to people alive now; far from household names; people you find fascinating. It will surprise no regular reader of this blog that I have a ready list of names.

Just a taste of my list and then it's your turn:
1.) Terry Gross - Peerless radio interviewer (NPR)
2.) Phil Schaap - Encyclopedic jazz historian (NYC area radio)
3.) Will Shortz -  Word geek extraordinaire (NY Times crossword puzzle, etc.)

Come on, turn me on to someone cool - share your treasure with me (and anyone else who reads this).

Parlez Vous German? Russian? Romanian?

Aside from the little I recall of high school French, English has been pretty much it for me. And despite an abiding fascination, I haven't yet had a compelling reason to put in the time needed to learn a 2nd language.

But over the past several months my blog stats have shown a steady and significant increase in the number of views I'm getting from several countries outside the US; unfortunately, France is not one of them. So I'm now looking for a little assistance from anyone who speaks Russian or Romanian. I've already tried, with a bit of success, to entice my German viewers by sneaking German words into the title line of a few of my posts. But aside from glasnost, perestroika and Smirnoff's, I have little other Russian at my disposal. Romanian? I'm lucky I can even locate the country in my Atlas. If Transylvania hadn't made Dracula into a local hero, I'd be in even more trouble with that one.

I realize my newfound motivation to become multi-lingual might strike some as a bit self-serving. Indulge me. All I need are some useful words/phrases I can slip into title lines so that key word searches will bring me closer to my comrades in Eastern Europe. No cuss words or sexual propositioning stuff, please. I have a clear memory of the little seen "Birthday Girl", a Nicole Kidman film from some years back, and I don't want any of those guys coming after me. Phrases like "Good day", "How are you?" or "Where do you recommend I go in New Jersey for a good bowl of borscht?" are just fine, thanks.    

Turning Down The Volume

Since watching a 2011 documentary called "Buck" a few months ago, I've found myself speaking about it to others more than any film I can recall, though in the past documentaries have often had limited appeal for me.

The film is about the actual person Nicholas Evans used as his model for the bestseller "The Horse Whisperer". It's possible "Buck" has stayed with me because of my volunteer work at a farm that specializes in therapeutic horseback riding; I've already mentioned it to several of the instructors there. And each time I describe to someone Buck's humane way of treating animals & people, I'm finding my own propensity for volume more annoying. Whispering, real or metaphorical, is powerful & soothing. The film depicts how Buck chooses to live his life and to heal his wounds - quietly. I aspire to the same.

In my last full time job, I had lunch with one person regularly. He claimed to thrive on my intense energy; his calm grace was balm for my hectic soul. The next time we have lunch, it wouldn't surprise me if I mistakenly called him Buck. If it turns out he's an experienced equestrian, I'll be a little spooked.    
  

 

I Want My Times

Since I'm on the road early tomorrow and away from home most of the weekend, the thing on the front of my radar tonight is - Will I be able to easily locate the weekend NY Times?

For those who read the weekend Times, what is your routine?  What do you usually read first? Come on, every Times reader has a routine. On Saturday, after the front page headlines and following any stories of interest, I often skip right to the "Lives" essay on the back page of the magazine. Then a relatively new column in the magazine called "Riffing"- love that. Sometimes I'll read parts of Saturday Arts & Leisure, sometimes not. But I almost always jump next to the Sunday Arts & Leisure (delivered Saturday, but you knew that). Read about music & film there and sometimes drama. One thing never changes on Saturday; I read the book reviews last and look forward especially to the essay on the back page of that section.

OK, now it's Sunday. What's first for you? Headlines, then stories again? 50-50. Sports? For me, not on Saturday or Sunday. Travel? Real Estate? Cars? No, those all came on Saturday too and I probably skipped them; maybe I'll read a travel headline or two. Financials? Much more likely I'll read the Saturday vs. Sunday but I do like "Corner Office" in Sunday financials. I savor three things every Sunday - much of the Metro section, "Modern Love" in the Styles section, and Sunday Review especially those remarkable visuals that make even the most complex issues understandable. And yes I have favorite columnists in the Op-Ed part of the review but I want to hear yours first. Come on, don't be cagey.

Avoiding Crossing The Creepy Line

First things first: I am not a stalker, creep, or as my daughter periodically used to call me if I complimented any of her teenage girlfriends, a "perv". That aside, I have a dilemma. And this post, by necessity, must take the form of mostly questions. Remember: I'm a man (despite the androgynous first name), friendly by natural temperament, and I walk a lot.

What are your recommended guidelines when, while walking on the street, I encounter a total stranger and wish to avoid being perceived as a stalker, creep or perv? Assume said stranger is a woman (any age) or child. For example: If eye contact is made, who should initiate a smile? How long should said smile last? How broad should said smile be, i.e. teeth or no teeth? If teeth, how many? Uppers? Lowers? Both? How long should total eye contact, with or without smile, last? Are words other than "hello" appropriate? Who initiates said "hello"? If said stranger reciprocates with words aside from hello, what is my maximum number of allowable words to say in return? What words are forbidden? 

I have many other questions, including allowances recommended for regional differences, special protocols involving teenagers of either sex etc., but I'll be pleased if anyone takes the time and starts with those above.