Simple But Not Easy

Are complicated people more likely to be difficult? If no, who was the last person you'd describe as complicated who was not difficult? If indeed complicated people are more likely to be difficult, wouldn't it logically follow that simple people would be more likely to be easy?

For a good part of my life, being perceived as complicated held a certain allure. Complicated felt mysterious and hinted at unknown depths. I've fantasized more than once about others describing me as enigmatic; what a cool word.

My juvenile fantasy aside, I am in fact quite uncomplicated - i.e. simple. And the complicated people I've encountered have been uniformly difficult. There's the rub - my simplicity has not made me easy. The older I get the more this perplexes me.

So, complicated folks need not respond. Simple folks, especially if you've rarely been called easy, how about a few non-therapeutic insights for me.   

Shifting

At present, what is most likely to draw you toward others? When did you last notice a shift in what draws you to others?

My own shifts seem to have been gender specific, i.e. what draws me to men shifted about ten years ago, while what draws me to women has been reasonably consistent for a lot longer. At present, I'm drawn to smart men - used to avoid them. I don't recall ever avoiding smart women probably because I grew up with two smart sisters. Less rambunctious men are also more appealing to me than they used to be. Maybe my own male volume has grown tiresome? On the other side: Been a long time since I've been drawn to quiet, shy or retiring women.

Having things in common is a part of being drawn to others. But how each of us shift and how those shifts draw us away from some and toward others is a much more mysterious and interesting story, isn't it? Since having lunch recently with a male friend who I can't imagine being drawn to circa 2003, I've been reflecting on this and wondering about the experience of others. Maybe what draws you to others now, male or female, has been the same for as long as you recall. Not so for me. I wonder what will shift next. 

Chicken Vs. Egg: The Super Bowl

Nature or nurture?

In "The Biology of Belief" (2005) Dr. Bruce J. Lipton tackles this widely disputed chicken vs. egg saga. In his persuasive book, Lipton uses epigenetics, the study of the molecular mechanisms by which the environment controls gene activity, to argue that any scientific model claiming the primacy of DNA is telling an incomplete story. Although books about science are usually not high on my list, this author helped me to easily navigate the technical information presented. He also helped me understand how the well established legacies of Descartes, Newton & Darwin have made it difficult for modern science to challenge the nature side of the age-old debate.

Aside from learning a great deal and admiring the temerity of a physician unafraid to incur the wrath of his peers by naming one section "Physicians: The Pharmaceutical Patsies", this book also nicely coincided with work my wife has been doing for the last year. Many of Lipton's well researched conclusions are consistent with the tenets of Positive Psychology; my wife completed her certificate program in this new discipline recently.

But Lipton's book and my wife's certificate did not lead either of us to a clear victory in the Super Bowl. This chicken vs. egg contest is destined to outlast all of us. What evidence have you come across  that has helped you get more clarity on this?         



  

#10: Mt. Rushmore Series

I've got to know your ideas for this 10th iteration of Mt. Rushmore, OK? Promise?

Which four great songs are inseparable from the scene in a movie (no musicals, please) that they're featured in? Doesn't have to be a great movie (see my Mt. Rushmore below) but it does have to be a great song. Mine are in alphabetical order by song title.

1.) "Chain Of Fools" from a little seen movie where John Travolta, playing a dissolute angel named "Michael", dances (surprise!) in a bar. Wisely, Director Nora Ephron used Aretha Franklin's original version of the song, without doubt the greatest one chord song ever written.

2.) "I Believe in You And Me" sung by the incomparable Whitney Houston in a weepy called "The Preacher's Wife". I love the Four Tops original recording but Houston takes the song to another level.

3.) "Making Whoopee" sung by Michelle Pfeiffer while straddling a piano in "The Fabulous Baker Boys". That voice, those sly lyrics, that red dress - whew!

4.) "You Don't Know Me" when Meryl Streep hit this old Eddie Arnold country standard out of the park in a party scene from "Postcards From The Edge", I thought - it's not fair for someone with so much acting talent to also be able to sing this well. But the scene and the song are now forever linked in my mind.

So, which four great songs from a movie are linked like that for you? Special one time offer to be sure I get something from you: Give me three, two or one songs. It won't be Mt. Rushmore but I'll deal.     

Dr.? No!

Which professions strike you as particularly difficult on relationships?

As counter-intuitive as it may sound, I think being in a relationship with a psychologist or psychiatrist would be very difficult. This might be one that jumps out at me because I already spend too much time in my own head; having a partner with me in that confined space is not an appealing prospect. It could also be I watched too many episodes of "In Treatment" when it was on HBO.

But how does someone trained to explore the motivations of others turn that off in everyday interactions with a partner? When a partner is acting irrationally, how does someone with a mental health background ignore it? How do these professionals avoid tallying up the number of self-defeating statements uttered by someone they love? I'm getting anxious just composing the questions for this paragraph.

Conventional wisdom counts the high stress professions as being the toughest on relationships. And two people trying to make a relationship work when they're in the same field can also be challenging. Me? I prefer arguing without being reminded I'm relying on a defense mechanism. I'm quite fond of some of those defense mechanisms, actually.       
 

  

Stay Tuned For Details On Past Lives

http://reflectionsfromthebellcurve.blogspot.com/2012/05/call-me-inexplicable.html

Since writing the above last May, these inexplicable tears of mine seem to be on the increase. Then last week, following yet another episode, two strangers independently asked me if I'd ever had a hint of a past life. I have never had such a hint and my secular, literal mind scoffs at such a mystical notion. But how far fetched is the idea, really?

Which of you has ever entertained the possibility of a past life? What evidence led you there? If there is something to what these two people suggested to me, what exactly are these abundant tears saying about any past life of mine? Both people who suggested I consider this were very kind; they viewed my tears in a wholly positive light. People who know me well also are usually gracious when I'm unexpectedly emotional. On the other hand, when those close to me are confused by my tears, I'm not at all surprised. My predominant feeling in these circumstances is confusion.

So for now, a past life is my current working scenario. Beats being befuddled by inexplicable tears. Besides, how can two strangers independently suggesting the same thing to me be a coincidence?          

My Grade (So Far): Tolerance

tolerance: a fair and objective attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality or the like differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry. 

Let me start by saying I'm glad I worked through most of the alphabet before grading myself on tolerance. How would you grade yourself (so far) on this attribute?

Saul Alinsky has been quoted saying "I'm only intolerant of the intolerant". And given my sympathy for Alinsky's view, considering the definition above, my challenge remains developing a more objective attitude toward those whose opinions differ from mine. How about you? Which of the other four dimensions included in that definition (practices, race, religion, nationality) is most challenging for you?

Moving to the "freedom from bigotry" part of the definition gives me some pause as well. Although I've worked hard at the bigoted parts of myself - freedom? Hardly. On balance, I'll give myself a "B-" for tolerance and stay committed to more growth. It's worth the effort.   

What Are The Odds?

You didn't notice that model of car until you decided to buy one; now it seems to be everywhere. A word unfamiliar to you starts popping up all the time. A name you don't recall ever hearing before suddenly feels hard to escape. How recently has something like this happened to you?

My sister suggested a while back that I blog about this phenomenon that philosophy calls schemata vs. scotoma; I resisted - three or four paragraphs felt inadequate. But reviewing my notes on "Boardwalk Empire" (2002) by Nelson Johnson for an upcoming book club meeting, it dawned on me: I've been in a schemata/scotoma loop for a few months. For this simpleton, the following amply demonstrates how we have blind spots in our awareness (scotoma) until something enters our frame of reference (schemata).

* While reading "Boardwalk Empire", I saw "Lincoln"; didn't know NJ was the only Northern state not to ratify the 13th amendment (debated in the film) until I read it in "...Empire". Or did I?
* Very soon after, an un-finished EL Doctorow novel called "The March" (owned since its 2005 release), about Sherman's march from Atlanta to No.Carolina at the end of the Civil War, happened to be the novel I grabbed off my bookshelf on a day the library was closed. It was not a book club selection. Neither was...
* Cormac McCarthy's "Blood Meridian" (1985), a library book I grabbed by pure accident (?) while looking for Mary McCarthy's "The Group" for my wife. I read "...Meridian" only because it is held in high regard by several favorite authors; knew nothing else about it. Want to guess when and where some of the action in that book takes place? Coincidences, you say? Almost done.
* "Mornings On Horseback" (1981) by David McCullough, was the selection of the most recent book club I've joined. It tells the story of Theodore Roosevelt's early years; he was born in 1858. In it, McCullough speaks at length of Theodore Roosevelt Sr., a "Lincoln Democrat", who was a huge influence on his eldest son. And there's a picture in the book of 7 year old Teddy watching the NYC funeral procession of Abraham Lincoln.

Four books with copyrights from 1981-2005 and a 2012 film, each dealing in some way with the Civil War, the 13th amendment, Lincoln's assassination. Any odds makers out there?