After three months (and yes, I'm still looking to migrate to a new hosting site!), I'm getting my rhythm a little. Some of you have helped. So far, the most consistent positive feedback I've received is about the brevity and variety of the posts; these seem to work for people who have communicated with me. With critical feedback I haven't yet detected any patterns or themes coming from different people, except how bad blogger's comment feature can be. And, I have one fierce critic who has commented on global aspects like tone as well as the content of specific posts. I treasure this person's feedback.
Anyone who puts writing into any public sphere (no matter how many people read it), must have an ideal reader in mind. From the start, my ideal reader has been my wife. Although she never liked the name of this blog, she continues to be who I most rely on to keep me tuned up day-to-day. When I ask questions here, which I do often, they are usually questions I'd like to hear my wife answer. And when I challenge myself to be more, it's not false modesty or any need for affirmation that prompt me to do so. It's because I want her to hold me accountable to be more.
My ideal reader is a window to look through to help me see others reading this blog. As long as she continues to tell me I'm reaching her, I'm confident I'll reach others. And, I will continue to use your feedback.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Another "F" Word
Some of the offline reactions I received about my June 7 post called "Repelling Toxic People" have reminded me how really difficult it can be to forgive.
In the early 90's I did a lot of training on stress management. My preparation for that training involved an immersion in the literature where I quickly noticed several strategies for coping that were repeatedly suggested. One of those coping strategies was "Be quick to forgive". It was easy for me to remember this and to remind students but not so easy for people to actually do. I noticed women seemed to have more difficulty forgiving themselves than men did; I didn't discern a noticeable difference with respect to which gender was more willing to forgive others. Although these were my own un-scientific observations, my view has not changed much since. And like many others, I also struggle with this "F" word.
D Patrick Miller's "A Little Book of Forgiveness" (1994) is the most helpful book I've uncovered on this subject. What resources or tools have you discovered to help you? I've got one person in my life who unknowingly helps me mark my growth with forgiveness. When I fully forgive this person, I will know I've evolved a bit. Then, I'll have to forgive myself for holding onto that poison for as long as I have.
In the early 90's I did a lot of training on stress management. My preparation for that training involved an immersion in the literature where I quickly noticed several strategies for coping that were repeatedly suggested. One of those coping strategies was "Be quick to forgive". It was easy for me to remember this and to remind students but not so easy for people to actually do. I noticed women seemed to have more difficulty forgiving themselves than men did; I didn't discern a noticeable difference with respect to which gender was more willing to forgive others. Although these were my own un-scientific observations, my view has not changed much since. And like many others, I also struggle with this "F" word.
D Patrick Miller's "A Little Book of Forgiveness" (1994) is the most helpful book I've uncovered on this subject. What resources or tools have you discovered to help you? I've got one person in my life who unknowingly helps me mark my growth with forgiveness. When I fully forgive this person, I will know I've evolved a bit. Then, I'll have to forgive myself for holding onto that poison for as long as I have.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
The Quest For Authenticity
My daughter just returned from an intensive yoga training program. When she described the part of her program involving a "Vision Quest", I found myself reflecting on my own lifelong quest for authenticity.
In the Albert Brooks film "Defending Your Life" the characters are able to watch a video of their life after they die. Since first seeing that film, I've many times wondered about my video. For example, how much time would the video show me constructing a persona and then acting out that role vs. the time I spent being authentic? How about your video? In my experience, many people (including me) are heavily invested in ego, which also serves as an impediment to authenticity. My daughter's yoga program, emphasizing many Eastern teachings, stressed this point.
At some point, I'm confident I'll return to my quest for authenticity in this blog; it's a rich topic to explore. But right now I'd like to know: How many people have you known that you would call authentic? I'm also interested to know what you've learned by being with them or just watching them. What behaviors have you noticed are common to those you would call authentic? And, where are you in your quest?
In the Albert Brooks film "Defending Your Life" the characters are able to watch a video of their life after they die. Since first seeing that film, I've many times wondered about my video. For example, how much time would the video show me constructing a persona and then acting out that role vs. the time I spent being authentic? How about your video? In my experience, many people (including me) are heavily invested in ego, which also serves as an impediment to authenticity. My daughter's yoga program, emphasizing many Eastern teachings, stressed this point.
At some point, I'm confident I'll return to my quest for authenticity in this blog; it's a rich topic to explore. But right now I'd like to know: How many people have you known that you would call authentic? I'm also interested to know what you've learned by being with them or just watching them. What behaviors have you noticed are common to those you would call authentic? And, where are you in your quest?
Laughing Until It Hurts
It's been too long since I laughed until it hurt. I've often wished I could find a way to re-create those moments at will. How cool would that be? When was the last time you laughed until it hurt?
I think I have a good sense of humor. (Don't most of us think that?) I may be a little too politically correct sometimes and I'm not as quick to laugh at myself as I'd like to be, but I do love to laugh and to make others laugh. However, those laughing until it hurts moments are too far apart anymore and I'm really not sure why. I refuse to believe it's because I'm losing some of my sense of humor; that's just not funny.
As I started writing this posting, I was able to clearly recall the last time. About two years ago (don't laugh!) my wife and I and two old friends saw "39 Steps" on Broadway. At the end of the 1st act, my sides hurt so bad I remember saying I hoped the 2nd act wouldn't be quite as funny. If I'd known then how long it would be until the next time I laughed until it hurt, I would have welcomed that delicious pain.
I think I have a good sense of humor. (Don't most of us think that?) I may be a little too politically correct sometimes and I'm not as quick to laugh at myself as I'd like to be, but I do love to laugh and to make others laugh. However, those laughing until it hurts moments are too far apart anymore and I'm really not sure why. I refuse to believe it's because I'm losing some of my sense of humor; that's just not funny.
As I started writing this posting, I was able to clearly recall the last time. About two years ago (don't laugh!) my wife and I and two old friends saw "39 Steps" on Broadway. At the end of the 1st act, my sides hurt so bad I remember saying I hoped the 2nd act wouldn't be quite as funny. If I'd known then how long it would be until the next time I laughed until it hurt, I would have welcomed that delicious pain.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Repelling Toxic People
My March 21 post called "The George Bailey List" asked you to identify people who have significantly enriched your life. Following a recent unpleasant interaction with a particularly toxic person I've known for some time, I thought about the opposite proposition, i.e. who in your life vexes you? More to the point, how do you neutralize people like this?
Since that interaction I've been reflecting on a concept I'd like some help with. You know those invisible fences preventing dogs from lunging at innocent passers-by? How could that technology be adapted to help repel toxic people? I've been having some sadistic fun imagining a scenario where a nemesis approaches me and my invisible fence zaps them. And the idea of putting a collar of some type on toxic people also has appeal, don't you think? Permission granted to steal this concept as long as I get to try your prototype.
Please don't go all spiritual on me about this. I realize it's within my power to "rise above" toxic people. But sometimes I (a regular, does not walk on water person) have trouble with the whole rise above thing.
Since that interaction I've been reflecting on a concept I'd like some help with. You know those invisible fences preventing dogs from lunging at innocent passers-by? How could that technology be adapted to help repel toxic people? I've been having some sadistic fun imagining a scenario where a nemesis approaches me and my invisible fence zaps them. And the idea of putting a collar of some type on toxic people also has appeal, don't you think? Permission granted to steal this concept as long as I get to try your prototype.
Please don't go all spiritual on me about this. I realize it's within my power to "rise above" toxic people. But sometimes I (a regular, does not walk on water person) have trouble with the whole rise above thing.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Experimenting With Circadian Rhythms
What do you notice is different when you mess with your "normal" 24 hour patterns? Lately, because of the flexibility in my life and schedule, I've been able to experiment more with my circadian rhythms.
For example, I've been going to sleep and getting up at different times and I've also purposefully varied the number of hours I sleep from day to day. With the change in sleep patterns, my meal times have become fairly unpredictable; I find I'm eating a little less. For many years if I tried to read at night, I'd fall asleep easily. Since starting this experiment, that doesn't happen as often even when I have an early a.m. commitment. I also find I'm writing more in my journal and otherwise.
4:00 a.m. is kind of magical. Even when I played music for a living I would rarely be up at that hour. The other day I took a walk at 4:00 after reading and playing my guitar through the night. I felt really alive. The next time you have a chance (a weekend, a vacation, etc.) try experimenting with your circadian rhythms just a little. Then tell me what you notice.
For example, I've been going to sleep and getting up at different times and I've also purposefully varied the number of hours I sleep from day to day. With the change in sleep patterns, my meal times have become fairly unpredictable; I find I'm eating a little less. For many years if I tried to read at night, I'd fall asleep easily. Since starting this experiment, that doesn't happen as often even when I have an early a.m. commitment. I also find I'm writing more in my journal and otherwise.
4:00 a.m. is kind of magical. Even when I played music for a living I would rarely be up at that hour. The other day I took a walk at 4:00 after reading and playing my guitar through the night. I felt really alive. The next time you have a chance (a weekend, a vacation, etc.) try experimenting with your circadian rhythms just a little. Then tell me what you notice.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The Waxing & Waning Of Gratitude
Yesterday I found it easy to be grateful for many things in my life. As I sat outdoors enjoying the stunning spring weather, I was able to quickly list in my journal over a dozen things I'm grateful for. I've done this kind of gratitude inventory many times in my life; I know it's a healthy thing to do and I feel terrific when I do it.
Though I'm feeling no less grateful today, I know yesterday's gratitude inventory (or earlier ones I've constructed) will not necessarily prevent me at some point from slipping back and temporarily forgetting how fortunate I am. How often does your sense of gratitude wax & wane? What patterns have you detected when this happens? What makes this slippage hard for me is the guilt I feel when my sense of gratitude doesn't lift me from whatever is going on at the time. It's a tough cycle: I know I am very fortunate but sometimes that's not enough to lift me and then boom = guilt; I feel worse for being ungrateful.
Any of this sound familiar? Strategies?
Though I'm feeling no less grateful today, I know yesterday's gratitude inventory (or earlier ones I've constructed) will not necessarily prevent me at some point from slipping back and temporarily forgetting how fortunate I am. How often does your sense of gratitude wax & wane? What patterns have you detected when this happens? What makes this slippage hard for me is the guilt I feel when my sense of gratitude doesn't lift me from whatever is going on at the time. It's a tough cycle: I know I am very fortunate but sometimes that's not enough to lift me and then boom = guilt; I feel worse for being ungrateful.
Any of this sound familiar? Strategies?
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Took The Wind Out Of Me
I had difficulty centering myself enough to blog last night. When I finished Anna Quindlen's 2010 novel "Every Last One" at about 8:00 p.m., I wasn't sure what I would do next. At the risk of over-dramatizing, all I felt I could manage right away was taking a shower.
This isn't the first time a book or movie or piece of music took the wind out of me. I'd like to know about similar experiences of yours. Hours later, I continue to process my reaction to fictional events from a book. But here's something really weird: Quindlen is among the authors to whom I've written one of the "unsent letters" I spoke of in my last (Tuesday, 5/31) blog posting. And when I wrote that earlier posting, I hadn't even started "Every Last One". I spent the bulk of yesterday reading the novel, stopping several times when I broke down. OK, another weird thing: I knew nothing about this book - never read a review, no one recommended it, etc. I picked it up in what I've come to call a "library drive-by". Amanda Quick's novel ("Second Sight") had been recommended to me. When I read the jacket for that book while at the library, I decided against it; Quindlen's books were right there - I grabbed one I hadn't read based on my past enjoyment of her work. Somehow calling all this weirdness coincidence seems inadequate. Your thoughts?
So I showered then journalled then watched an inane movie then slept then got up and ate then did some errands. Then I decided blogging might help me process further. When something hits you like this, what is your way of processing? When a book (movie, music) takes the wind out of you, who in your life are you most likely to discuss it with? I can't recommend this book to many; it's so much work to process it.
This isn't the first time a book or movie or piece of music took the wind out of me. I'd like to know about similar experiences of yours. Hours later, I continue to process my reaction to fictional events from a book. But here's something really weird: Quindlen is among the authors to whom I've written one of the "unsent letters" I spoke of in my last (Tuesday, 5/31) blog posting. And when I wrote that earlier posting, I hadn't even started "Every Last One". I spent the bulk of yesterday reading the novel, stopping several times when I broke down. OK, another weird thing: I knew nothing about this book - never read a review, no one recommended it, etc. I picked it up in what I've come to call a "library drive-by". Amanda Quick's novel ("Second Sight") had been recommended to me. When I read the jacket for that book while at the library, I decided against it; Quindlen's books were right there - I grabbed one I hadn't read based on my past enjoyment of her work. Somehow calling all this weirdness coincidence seems inadequate. Your thoughts?
So I showered then journalled then watched an inane movie then slept then got up and ate then did some errands. Then I decided blogging might help me process further. When something hits you like this, what is your way of processing? When a book (movie, music) takes the wind out of you, who in your life are you most likely to discuss it with? I can't recommend this book to many; it's so much work to process it.
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