On The Other Hand...

I don't make a regular habit of re-reading my posts but after someone sent me a comment via e-mail about "Finding What You Have" (my last post), I did. In it, I mentioned many things my wife and I have in common; the e-mail prompted me to look at the other side. And of course there are plenty of things we don't have in common. Do you know partnerships that would claim otherwise?

One of my wife's greatest passions is gardening. Try as she may, she hasn't made me a convert. I love eating our fresh vegetables but have never planted a single seed - don't plan on starting. She also enjoys opera. I've given that a better shot than gardening; it is music after all. No dice. On the other hand, she doesn't enjoy King Crimson. She likes antiquing and garage sales - count me out. We often have trouble agreeing what makes a movie funny. And so on.

So what is an optimum balance for a partnership between having enough things in common vs. having unique interests? I have no clear answer to this; please tell me if you do. But I do feel it's important each partner has pieces that belong to just them. What do you think? The intention of my last post was not to paint a  picture of two people who share everything. From my perspective, that would be just as unsettling as partners who have little or nothing in common.  

       

Finding What You Have

Though I've more than once heard people describe how little they have in common with a spouse or partner, the statement invariably catches me off guard. After recovering, I'm immediately reminded how fortunate I am.

What is critical for you to have in common with a spouse or partner? My list has probably changed a bit over 34+ years, but the core value of trust has always been at the top. Agreeing on the fundamentals of how to raise children was up there as well. And laughing a lot is something we clearly share. My wife's laugh is one of the great joys of my life.

After that are things I'm happy we have in common. Call these the very nice but maybe not critical. Our politics are similar; we both love reading - my wife is the person whose reading tastes I most trust and rely on; music, music, music; going on physical vacations - exercise in general; trying different ethnic foods; NPR; travel; learning. I'm happy to say there is more but how about you? Which are the very nice (but maybe not critical) things you have in common with your spouse or partner? My sincere hope? Maybe some people who've told me they have little in common with their partners will read this and recognize  they have more than they realized.          

Gradually

"Gradually I learned to become indifferent to myself and my deficiencies; I came to center my attention increasingly upon external objects: the state of the world, various branches of knowledge, individuals for whom I felt affection."

Coming across these words of Bertrand Russell in a book I'm reading has me re-considering several ideas I'd had for future blog posts. I'm ready to begin focusing more attention on the three areas Russell calls "external objects" although each area presents clear challenges. Guidance anyone cares to offer is welcome.

1. How best maintain the apolitical tone I've established while still focusing on "the state of the world"?
2. How best avoid pseudo-intellectualism when exploring "various branches of knowledge"?
3. How best ensure focusing on "individuals for whom I feel affection" doesn't become cringeworthy?

I'm going to give each of the three a shot in some near-future posts; I'll depend on you to keep me tuned up. In the meanwhile, I'm grateful for that word "gradually" in the part about becoming indifferent to myself and my deficiencies. I'm starting that piece right this moment.     

Seeing The Light

What was the last novel you read that you found yourself still processing months later?

I finished "The Illumination" (2011) by Kevin Brockmeier in early February but barely a week has gone by when I haven't thought of it. Saying I liked it or not seems beside the point. Feels more accurate to say I had an experience.

The six main characters in this book have two things in common - each is in some kind of pain and the diary of a dead woman, previously known to only one of the six, helps temporarily soothe that pain. The six additionally share something with everyone else in the world; their pain, no matter the type, is now visible. Pain illuminates any person experiencing it. And the light originates from where the person feels the pain.  

The book jacket asks: What if our pain was the most beautiful thing about us? I'm still processing that one. The question that's continually occurred to me since having this experience is: How often am I overlooking the pain in others?             

My Grade (So Far): Honesty

honesty: truthfulness, sincerity, frankness

Of the seven attributes I've thus far covered in this series, given the above definition, grading myself on honesty presents the most formidable challenges. How about for you? How honest can you be about how honest you've been in your life to date, using these three components?

So, I'll give myself a "C-" for truthfulness a "B" for sincerity and a "B+" for frankness to date. Combining all three gives me a about "B-", right? So why doesn't that feel like the complete story? Because "frankness", though it's the highest component of my three, has gotten me in the most trouble. And my lowest component, truthfulness, strikes me as the most important of the three. Given that, I'm adding extra weight to "truthfulness" and changing my overall grade to "C+".

Like two other attributes from earlier in this series (bravery and generosity), I'm planning on putting effort into improving my grade for honesty. But I am planning to dial back the frankness component whenever I apply the adage "honesty is the best policy"; could help me avoid hurting others feelings as much.   

Re: Media Fast

Just  a few months ago, reacting to a blog post ranting about how I feel overfed with information about celebrities, an old friend suggested I periodically take a "media fast". I immediately implemented his strategy. And I've already lost five celebrities! I'll stack up the joy this gives me against anyone who has lost five pounds.

Proof I've begun to shed an unwanted load? Last weekend I saw a print ad for "The Expendables 2" listing only last names along with pictures of the eleven stars - yes I counted. Five names are totally unfamiliar to me. More proof my scale is not deceiving me? The same number of faces also did not register. Although the action genre has never been a favorite, I was elated nonetheless; a fast-working fast.

If I stick with this, by the time "The Expendables Have Expired" is released, I could drop enough bulk to have room for more important information. I'm still carrying around the names of way too many one-hit wonder bands from the 50's through the 80's but hey, everyone needs a few empty calories.

Stories, Stubbornness, Stupidity

Last weekend I learned how to use text messaging with a cell phone I've resisted using since my wife gave it to me upon upgrading her first one years ago. 

I'm not sure when or why I decided being stubborn about using a cell phone was a line to draw in the sand. It's possible all those conversations I've been forced to listen to while in the public sphere started me down this path. It's equally possible my resistance started out connected to my contrary nature. Even those 20th century artifacts now quaintly called landlines were never a favorite means of communication for me.

But my continuing ignorance of texting had one inescapable downside: I'd limited the full range of communication I could have with my young adult daughter. Though her mother had told me this more than once, her usually gentle counsel didn't register. Then last week I heard myself telling a near stranger about my inability to text in a story about my daughter. Suddenly I realized how right my wife had been. I also recognized how closely related stubbornness and stupidity can be. 

Where in your life is being stubborn getting in your way? 

The Judging Bell

Zen masters - stop reading now.

Being around centered people last week at Kripalu has me reflecting on the whole judging enchilada. How evolved do you feel with respect to the human tendency to judge others? I propose we assess ourselves using a 4 point scale. I'm purposefully avoiding the more commonly used odd number scales (3, 5, 7) so there is no middle. In my experience, having those middle numbers available make it easier to escape rigorous self-examination.

1 is for any Zen master who ignored my instructions above. This is someone so evolved they have transcended the human tendency to judge others. 2 is someone who judges others regularly, 3 is someone who judges others frequently (that would be me), 4 is someone who finds it difficult to turn off the judging mechanism - that was me circa 1991.

Clarification: I am not asking about pre-judging. I'm talking about judging others in the moment even if you know of or have used a mindful discipline to help you avoid judging. The most useful discipline I've found? Saying "judging" to myself as I go there. Current effectiveness rate? <50%. My newest fantasy? I want a bell to ring in my ear any time I begin judging others and get louder if I don't let go fairly quickly. And I also want a bell tuned to a different frequency to ring when someone is judging me. I then walk away from that person. My concern with this fantasy? I'll be hearing bells to the exclusion of most other sound.

Zen masters still reading: I warned you.